


I Hope You Find What You're Looking For

by ssinha19



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fanfiction, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-01-23 19:04:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12514308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssinha19/pseuds/ssinha19
Summary: Their first kiss had been on the night train to Daegu.





	1. Chapter 1

Their first kiss had been on the night train to Daegu.

In that moment, everything had seemed to stop, frozen in time.

He’d forgotten the fight he had with his parents, forgotten how alone he felt all the damn time because in that moment, none of that mattered. All that mattered was her and the feeling of her lips on his. Even now, he could remember the sound of the raindrops pattering on the window and the ground moving swiftly beneath their feet. And then when she pulled away, she smiled at him in the way that made his heart jump.

He hated it.

He hated how he couldn’t seem to string together any coherent sentences when she did that. He hated that his mind went blank whenever her eyes met his.

He especially hated that he loved her.

•••

It had been two months since the last time she’d thought about him. It was a funny thing, the little things that reminded her of him. Like the little ice cream shop where they’d shared a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone that day when the sun was beating down in the middle of summer. Or the street they’d walked down the night of their first date when it had felt like there had never been so many stars in the sky before.

It wasn’t always those moments of joy that she remembered, though. Sometimes when it rained just like it had rained on that night of their first kiss, she found herself crying, cuddled up on the sofa next to the window in her dorm room. Some days, something would remind her of the last time she saw him. You couldn’t even really call it a goodbye, though. At least, it never felt like one. All it did was hurt. All the time. On good days she would forget but then it would hit her all of a sudden like an avalanche. A flood of emotions and feelings and memories of slamming doors and tear stained nights. She couldn’t allow herself to dwell on it for too long at a time, busying herself with work.

And for two months the busy work had helped.

But now, she found herself alone with her thoughts.

And the inevitableness that was the memories of him.

•••

Three.

No matter how many times he’d thought this through, nothing could have ever prepared him for the moment he saw her. 

She hadn’t changed at all.

Her eyes were still piercingly beautiful and warm, making him forget whatever it was that he was thinking. Her smile was still as bright and she was every bit as breathtaking as he remembered.

Two.

She saw him before he saw her. She’d known it beforehand that he’d be there, but she hadn’t planned on being so affected.

She hadn’t planned on not being able to focus on giving their awards speech in front of thousands of people, thinking only about the fact that he was sitting right there, a few rows ahead of her. And once the speech was over and she’d miraculously made her way over to her seat without stumbling, she couldn’t help but look in his direction.

Even though she’d berate herself and turn her attention to the group performing on stage every few seconds, her eyes would wander over to the table a row over.

He looked even more handsome than she remembered. Maybe it was the lighting, or the clothes, or maybe just the atmosphere, but he gave off an air of confidence that hadn’t been there before. 

He'd changed.

One.

It was just for a moment, but when the show was over and he was bowing to the other groups, his eyes met hers.

It really shouldn’t have hit him as much as it did. All of a sudden, he was much too conscious of himself and the mere distance between them.

He hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it did, either. A part of him had wanted her to acknowledge him, let her glance linger on him a second longer. Something so that he wouldn’t go crazy thinking he was the only one affected by it. But she bowed swiftly and made her way through the crowd without sparing him a second glance.

Hours later, it was still the only thing he could think about, sitting in his dorm room, his night lamp the only light on throughout the quiet dorm. Usually he would’ve been the first one to drift away into blissful, dreamless sleep. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop letting thoughts of her float around in his head. Her smile. Her dress. Her eyes. The way she’d hurried past him. How she still had the same effect on him, two years later.

•••

Back at the dorm, she could feel the eyes of her members on her as she hurried to her room. But she ignored their questioning looks and stares. They didn’t know why she was acting the way she was and she didn’t have the heart or courage to tell them.

So she sat next to the window, just like she had done so many times before, bringing her knees up to her chest and letting her hair fall around her. Though she didn’t want to think about anyone or anything at all, her mind wandered to the events of the night. She wished she’d been a little more composed when it came to him, but the moment he looked at her, her knees went weak and she couldn’t breathe. It was too hard to pretend like he was just another fellow artist at a music show. Because no matter how many times she tried to trick herself into thinking that way, she was reminded that he wasn’t. So she had run. Or at least gotten out of there as fast as she could have.

The worst part of it all was that she’d realized she missed him.

The kind of missing that made her heart ache every time she thought about him. Seeing him in person again had only made her miss him more. At least when it was only sporadic, fleeting memories of him it was the wistful kind of longing. But seeing him made him so much more real, to the point that it hurt more than she thought it could.

By the time she finally dozed off, the sun had begun to rise, a soft glow emerging at the edge of the horizon.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, she felt herself being nudged awake.

“Jennie, why didn't you sleep on the bed? That couch couldn’t have been comfortable.”

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she blinked to see Jisoo looking at her, worry written on her face. “It’s fine. I guess I was just tired and fell asleep here.”

Still not completely convinced, Jisoo held out her hand. “Come on, I made some breakfast. Let’s eat.”

In the kitchen, Lisa and Chaeyoung were already eating, immersed in conversation, but quieted quickly when they noticed Jennie come in. She sat down and began eating, trying not to notice that none of the other girls were eating. Instead, they were looking at her expectantly. After a minute of silence in which all you could hear was her spoon scraping the edge of the bowl, Jennie couldn’t bear it and spoke. “Don’t worry about me guys, I’m fine. You should eat.”

It was Lisa who hesitantly replied, “Are you sure, Unnie? You didn’t seem fine yesterday. Did you come down with something?”

Relieved that a simple cold was all they suspected, Jennie responded with what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “Yeah, that must be it. I’ll get over it soon, so don’t worry too much and eat, okay?”

Soon enough, the atmosphere relaxed, dissolving into boisterous laughter and conversation. Thankful that she wasn’t the focus of their attention anymore, Jennie made her way to the door, slipping on a cap and mask before pulling on a light jacket. “I’m gonna go for a walk. I’ll be back soon.” The girls nodded in acknowledgment before turning back to their conversation.

It was a crisp autumn morning in September. Deep red and scarlet orange and flaming golden leaves covered the ground, whirling around every few seconds as the wind picked up speed. Squirrels darted up trees. The occasional dog ran ahead of its owner, pausing to chase a squirrel or catch a thrown stick. Jennie pulled her jacket closer to her, walking against the chilly wind. She didn’t mind the cold. Autumn had always been her favorite time of year.

She stepped inside a warmly lit café, ordering hot cocoa. While waiting for her order, her eyes wandered around the shop. A bookshelf filled with old books lined an entire wall, coupled with a few cozy armchairs for reading. A few booths and tables were situated on the other side, lights strung up on the wall next to them. A grand piano sat next to the window, chestnut wood gleaming in the autumn sunlight. Grabbing her cup of steaming cocoa, she sat on the piano bench, her fingers hovering over the keys.

Before she knew it, a melody emerged from her fingertips that she didn’t quite recognize.

Yet somehow she knew it.

Chord for chord, note for note.

•••

You play?

A little.

Play something.

What? No. No, I’m not even that good.

Oh come on. How bad could you be? Just play, I’ll join you.

Okay. But don’t keep your expectations high.

I won’t. Now play something.

•••

She remembered now, why it was so familiar.

It was the first song they’d played together.

A crisp morning in early autumn, just like today.She’d been sitting on the bench of a piano in a music store, staring at the keys, unable to bring herself to play when he’d popped up out of nowhere and sat down next to her, leaving her dumbfounded. He’d played a quick run on the keys before looking at her.

Then he’d talked her into playing, joining her with the accompaniment, finding the chords as quickly as she played the melody. They’d spent the entire morning by the piano, as people walked around them, oblivious to the world.

Forgotten was the hesitation and wariness she’d had, replaced by the utter joy of losing herself within the music. She’d known the way his fingers flew effortlessly over the keys before she knew his name.

Even if she had never met him again, the memory of how she’d felt that morning would have been enough.

She snapped herself out of her reverie. Her cocoa had long gone cold. Picking herself up off the bench, she hurriedly zipped up her jacket, before something stopped her in her steps.

“I’ll take a hot cocoa, thanks.”

It was him.

She would have recognized that voice anywhere, even though it’d been so long since she’d last heard it.

She couldn’t move. She should have left quickly, before he had the chance to notice. But it was already too late. He glanced over in her direction, an undiscernible look of recognition falling over his face. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but she finally regained motion in her legs and half walked, half ran out of the café, the twinkle of the doorbell the only sound as it closed on her way out.

She’d made it almost halfway to her dorm before she stopped. Leaning against a tree, she sat down, trying to slow her frantically beating heart. With her head in her hands, she could only explain what had just happened to herself as cowardice.

Why had she run? It’d been two years, already. Shouldn’t she be over it by now?

But if she was being honest with herself, it was because she wasn’t over it. She was just too nervous to face him. And even though she knew it was a lousy excuse, it would have to be enough, at least for now.

•••

“You’re back, Unnie?”

“What? Oh, yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Hm?”

“Your walk.”

“Right. It was nice, I stopped for some hot cocoa on my way back. Here, you guys have some.”

“Thanks, Unnie!” Chaeyoung grabbed two, handing one to Lisa.

Jennie headed back to her room. Jisoo followed right behind her.

“Ya. Are you really okay? And don’t you dare say it’s just because of a cold.”

“I’m okay, Unnie. Seriously. I’ve just been thinking too much lately.”

“About what? You know you can always talk to me, right? And Chae and Lisa. We know something’s off. It’s been off since yesterday. At the music show. What is it, Jennie?”

“I just saw someone I used to know, a long time ago. I guess it reminded me of some things I haven’t thought about in a while.”

“A trainee at YG? Were you friends or something?”

“No, not a trainee. Just someone I knew.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not going to make you. But please, know that we are always ready to listen whenever you’re ready to tell.”

“Thank you, Unnie. I mean it.”

“Alright. We have rehearsal in an hour, get ready and come meet us in the living room, okay?”

“Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Hyung! What took you so long? We’ve been waiting forever.”

“Here, Kookie. You can give out the rest to the others.”

“What about you?”

“I already had one.”

He turned and went back to his room. A mix of emotions and thoughts swirled in his head as he laid down on the comforter. Confusion, hurt, surprise, guilt and even a little, although subdued, joy. When he’d seen her sitting at the piano, with her hair shining in the sunlight, she’d looked almost ethereal. Even though nothing was the same as it had been before, for a second it felt like it was. A beautiful girl sitting next to a piano, her hands hesitant to play yet her eyes yearning for a melody. For just a moment, he wondered what it would be like if he had gone over there and started playing, like the first time they’d met.

But soon the moment had passed and time moved too quickly and then she was gone. He couldn’t really describe what he was feeling. A part of him was happy, really happy, because he could fool himself in that moment to think that none of the messy things had ever happened. He could be where he’d been three years ago, entranced by the girl in the music store. But the other part of him, the part that was here in the coffee shop, knew the difference. This part of him knew that when she ran out the door, he didn’t deserve to go after her. Though he wanted to, what would he even say to her if he did?

Yet before he could come to terms with his thoughts, it was time for their schedules. Packed with interviews, photoshoots, and rehearsals for their comeback, he barely had time to think, let alone dwell on whatever had happened. For the next few weeks, every day was filled with work, work and more work. Seven hours of the day he’d be locked up in his music studio, fine tuning melodies and rhythms, writing snippets of unfinished songs, and putting together tracks for the new album. 

That was the thing about her. She was easy to forget, until she wasn’t. It was easy for him to get caught up in everything else he had to think about, until it wasn’t. There were moments when he’d catch himself losing focus on the very things he’d used to force himself to forget. If he wasn’t careful he’d find himself losing grip to an extent that he didn’t know if he could ever let get it back.

And so he sat in his music room, refusing to break out of the enclosure he’d built.

And that worked. Until it didn’t.

•••

It had never occurred to him how distracting she was until now.

In the halls connecting the dressing rooms at the music shows, it was easy to forget who was who in the rush of swift costume changes and anxious voices. More often than not, he was too caught up in their performance while waiting to go onstage to pay close attention to the passing faces he bowed to greet.

But she refused to be ignored as just a passing figure. 

No, she commanded attention and awe. Or at least it seemed that way to him. He was never able to resist looking up whenever she walked by.

It was one of those things he’d always hated. How much of a lasting impression her presence left on him. She was the one person he’d look back at in a crowd of people. It was an involuntary sort of response, something he didn’t realize he was doing until he’d done it. He was helpless when it came to her. Pathetic, really. Pathetic because he knew he was the only one who still cared this much about someone he’d once known. It was the sensible thing to bow to her like he did to everyone else, of course. No good could come out of lingering looks and wistful thoughts. That much he knew.

So even though it went against his instincts, he resisted the urge to meet her eyes every time she walked by. He bowed his head without looking up and fixated his gaze ahead even when he knew she was walking away from him.

It never got easier, though. He’d hoped it would become second nature to ignore her presence. He thought he’d read something somewhere about habits developing after twenty one days of repeated action. It must not apply to forgetting people.

The funny thing, now that he thought about it, was that he’d never believed he’d see the girl in the music shop again. It was a coincidence they’d met in the first place and fate only worked like that in dramas. So he’d been feeling bittersweet when they’d parted ways, without even telling her his name. The moment they’d shared was nice, maybe even something he’d recall suddenly someday, in an unexpected spur of forgotten memories.

He probably wasn’t going to ever see her again, so he’d moved on. Even now, he refused to believe in fate being the reason why she’d shown up looking lost in the park four streets down from his house. It wasn’t because of fate that she’d ended up at his high school as a new transfer student at the end of the year. And it most certainly wasn’t fate that they’d been on the same night train to Daegu. They were purely coincidence.

•••

The next time he saw her, he almost screamed. He wanted to say something, anything, so that he didn’t feel so messed up inside. It ate him up even when he tried his hardest to not let it. He’d long given up on trying to ignore her. For the last few weeks, he’d settled with pushing his feelings further and further down until it worked. 

But she was never the type to let him ignore her.

She’d always been that way.

And so when he bumped into her again for what seemed like the tenth time that month, she didn’t look away. Instead, he felt her gaze on him even after he’d walked to his table at the awards show. And afterwards, when all of the groups were backstage, he caught her looking at him again. She didn’t seem cold or distant, like he’d expected.

He’d never been able to tell what she was feeling, though. She was good at hiding it. Yet it still drove him mad.  
•••

It was snowing that day. He remembers because he’d forgotten his gloves and regretted it the moment he walked out the door. Even though it was freezing outside, he didn’t mind it much. The ground was laden with freshly fallen snow and the snow covering the branches of trees sparkled in the afternoon sun.

He remembers seeing her sitting on the bench near his favorite corner store. He didn’t recognize her at first, or even after he’d sat down next to her. It had only struck him when she tilted her head to the side to glance at him. He hadn’t been able to tell what she was thinking that day, either. All he knew for certain was how striking she was.

And then she’d caught him staring at her, realization dawning a moment later. They’d both fumbled for words and then settled on silence. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It never was, with her. He could’ve sat there in the cold for hours, with her by his side. It was another one of those things about her that he’d never really understood.

Soon enough, a bus had creaked to a stop in front of them and she’d rushed inside.


End file.
